NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
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Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Thursday Thought.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted