Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
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I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.