I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
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Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
The Weeknd is back
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.