6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
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Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence