When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
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“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”