I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
You Might Also Like
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.