Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
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Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church