“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
You Might Also Like
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
The cake is mightier than the sword.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
They’re stuck in your pants?
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle