My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
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Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
You better watch out
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.