unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
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It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*