my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
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I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
This is a true ally.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.