Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
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I need a headline like this
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.