*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
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Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Oh my god
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
It’s actually Dr. whatever
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?