It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
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Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Pringles
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*