My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
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My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
british sex workers really pound for pound
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater