I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
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Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.