Never forget.
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*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I wish this was real life…
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance