It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
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I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
the simulation is moving too fast
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.