GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
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my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
finally
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Fight
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
“i am a sweet baby”
cry laughing at this shit
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.