WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
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Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.