My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
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Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Happy weekend !
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.