Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
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Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Wait a second…
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Spotted in New Orleans.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone