The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
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If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
In space, no one can hear…