In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
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Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I love you…
…r dog.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.