Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
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Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?