Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
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(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Education is vital
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table