6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
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If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Google Pay be like:
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”