unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
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Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
How wrong was this guy?
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
guys I’m going home
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.