I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me My dog
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
This is a true ally.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life