Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
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Good morning
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”