I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
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My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I’m a bad influence on myself.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
LMAO
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.