Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
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My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
#DesignFail
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
channeling her this year
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
No email needs to tell me not to reply.