Follow me for more recipes
You Might Also Like
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I feel it
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.