i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
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My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better