[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
You Might Also Like
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?