If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
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Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.