Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
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Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Me too door. Me too.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?