My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
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Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding