Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
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How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
.. do you even science?
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
The days of good grammer has went
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.