Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
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him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
This is what makes twitter great
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
The honesty is refreshing
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off