Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
You Might Also Like
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.