It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
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I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words