Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
You Might Also Like
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
My five year plan is a meteorite
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.