When ur friends with white people
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“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Who.
Did.
This?
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.