[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
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where the womens at?
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”