you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
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Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
A classic…
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Big Sex has us all fooled