Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
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Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
fly smarter, not harder
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come