Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
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Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Rooting for the overdog
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen