Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
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Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Quadruple digit IQ
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Spa day..😅
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Today’s Times
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here