Roses are red
Violets are blue…
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[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”